A number of Aston Villa footballers have recently gone missing. For a change this has not occurred on the field of play. These individuals were last seen in the presence of Gerard Houllier and/or Gary McCallister, whom were reportedly insisting that they all play either left wing or in goal at the time of their disappearance.
1. Stephen Ireland
Known to suffer from an awful accent, ownership of a pink Bentley and having been subject to a number of faux family bereavements – we are deeply concerned for Stephen’s whereabouts. Recent reports of his announcing his own death on Twitter are apparently false. He is illiterate after all. The club wish to make known that in the event Mr. Ireland fails to return, his caravan will be removed from the players car park and auctioned – the proceeds will go to the Premature Male Baldness society.
2. Moustapha Salifou
Heralded as the Togolese Zidane, everyone is hoping for the speedy release of the Villa Park kit man and resident witchdoctor. Having recently been cleared of trying to shoot Emmanual Adebeyor whilst on international duty, Sally Mouse, as he likes to be called, has simply vanished. Border control officers refused to release information as to whether he had overstayed his Visa and insisted that as far as they were aware Mr. Salifou Kanu Yakubu’s passport was in perfect order.
3. John Carew
International playboy John Carew was recently held hostage by snow back in his native Norway. Since then nothing has been heard of the upcoming star of the Hulk franchise of films. Carew, pictured here with the the Sith, is rumoured to have once been a striker of some note – it is thought he could well have returned home to peruse scrapbooks of this time. John, please come home, we need to use you in a swap deal to get somebody who gives a shit.
4. Curtis Davies
Curtis has recently been spotted on holiday in Leicester where it is believed that international football manager impersonator Sven ‘Evil’ Erikkson has built an underground base. Curtis is also wanted in connection with a £10 million pound fee paid to West Bromwich Albion. If you have seen Curtis please contact the authorities as he can be prone to bouts of unpredictable behaviour, falling over and wildly flailing a leg at spherical objects.
5. Stephen Warnock
Ol’ Stevo has gone awol having been informed that he was woefully lacking in form. In fairness, he had a point when apparently pointing out that he was surrounded by 10 others of similar affliction week in week out. Warnock still lives in the north and commutes to Birmingham daily. It’s believed that he could be running moonshine, or even transporting shell-suits to Liverpool – the fashion police are investigating. Stephen is also to be reminded that defending is a part of his contract and that standing and looking bemused is not. In the event you see Stephen, it is unlikely he will become defensive of his conduct. It’s not in his nature.
In the event you hear anything of the above please contact Mr. Randy Lerner who wishes to give them all a stern telling off through a third party. In the meantime you can support the clubs search by buying Aston Villa branded milk with their faces emblazoned upon them or through donations to the Nii Lamptey fund.